Welcome back! Now it’s time foo return to Sasha’s point of view. I hope you’re enjoying this story. Drop a line if you are.
Thanksgiving
I tried not to check the time too often on my phone, but it was difficult. Visits with Pearl had a way of wearing me down, even if Cami seemed to love her grandmother’s attention. We’d already suffered through an interminably long Thanksgiving church service at the Methodist church in Hanover, then we’d returned to Hunters Grove to visit Aidan’s grave. It had been far too cold. Aidan’s siblings, their partners and children all complained about the windy conditions and northern chill, but Pearl would not have it.
“I’m spending this day with all of my children, even the one who is no longer with us” was her decree.
I had to shush Cami when she protested that Daddy was already at Pearl’s house waiting for us. Aidan’s sisters laughed at how adorable Cami’s “overactive imagination” was. I smiled, tried not to flinch when they touched my shoulder in what they saw as a gesture of familiarity and camaraderie. I tried to go to the place inside me that I always found with Alex, that place where my skin didn’t feel as though it would burn or disintegrate at their closeness.
Sometimes he and Cami were the only ones who could come so close. But Pearl and the rest of Aidan’s family didn’t understand what it was like for me. They thought if I just squared my shoulders and faced the day with the same grit and determination as they did that I’d be my old self again in no time. But I wasn’t sure I wanted to be my old self. The old me would have come up with an excuse not to come. When Aidan was alive, before Cami was born, I used my entire arsenal of blowjobs and whatever else would distract him to avoid visiting Pearl. Usually it worked, but once we had Cami I understood that avoiding my mother-in-law was not in the cards.
But now, while Aidan’s sisters were in the kitchen helping prepare the meal they’d all sit down to later, and the men in the family were in the basement “man cave” watching football and drinking beer and pretending that none of them were smoking when we could smell the cigarette smoke anyway, I felt adrift and I wanted nothing more than to leave. Cami was already at that age where she sometimes idolized Aidan’s sisters. I didn’t blame her. They were all beautiful in that All-American way: tall, slim with that shiny hair that only seemed possible with many salon visits, always so impeccably dressed. They were like Barbie dolls for Cami – though none of them were the shade of brown that she was.
Next year, I decided, we’d go to my parents.
Cami didn’t see them often enough, mostly because whenever I mentioned going home, Pearl came up with new reasons for why we should spend family holidays in Hunters Grove. I normally gave in just to keep things civil and peaceful, but – and Abigail had warned me I’d soon begin to feel this way – I’d grown tired of Pearl guilt tripping me into paying deference to her wishes just because she was Aidan’s mother.
I gave it a few more minutes and then began the complicated process of leaving Pearl’s house. It started with descending into the man cave and saying goodbye to Aidan’s father and brothers. They were easy. They were so focused on the Patriots game that they barely noticed me. Upstairs again, I found my coat and then went into the kitchen to say goodbye to everyone else. Aidan’s sisters were all planning Black Friday shopping forays.
“Do you want to come, Sasha?” Annalise, the youngest of Aidan’s sisters, asked as she mixed the ingredients for her five-cheese mac and cheese.
I shook my head no. “I’d rather sleep in tomorrow,” I said. I wound my scarf around my neck and then went over to Cami, who was helping grate cheese for Annalise. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning, okay? Just before lunch.”
Cami nodded and then raised her face to be kissed. I gave her a good cuddle and a kiss and she rewarded me with a hug.
“You’re in an awful rush to leave,” Pearl commented from her place at the table. “I thought you’d stay a bit longer.”
“Mia and Jake are expecting me,” I reminded her for perhaps the fifth time of the day. I didn’t let the irritation building in me show. That would have just made Pearl even more indignant. “And they’re probably waiting for me now so that everyone can sit down to dinner.”
“Honestly, I don’t understand why you can’t stay and have dinner with us.”
“Mom, stop giving Sasha a hard time.” This time, it was Nadine, Aidan’s twin sister, who chimed in. She brushed my cheek with hers and whispered, “Go, I’ll handle Mom.”
I mouthed a quick thank you at her and then waved goodbye as I strode to the front door. For just a moment, I had the feeling that Aidan was with us, watching the entire exchange with a disapproving glare. I didn’t look around to see if I saw him. It was enough that I felt the chill of his presence.
Mia and Jake’s driveway was full of cars, but I managed to find a spot under a tree, just out of the way for any other stragglers. The sun had already begun to set and a light snow fell from the sky. I felt a little bubble of panic growing inside me. I needed to quell it before I could even leave the car. It had been ages since I’d been to any big dinner parties in a long time. Just family dinners with Aidan’s relatives or the occasional family dinners down in Philadelphia with my own family.
My fingers tightened around the steering wheel. I needed to center myself before I could go inside. There were still times when being in a large crowd terrified me, even when I knew everyone there.
Alex will be there, the thought going through my mind. We’d both pretended that our kiss had not happened. What else could we do when his father and my daughter were babbling through breakfast? I could not sit close to him and hold his hand under the tabletop. I couldn’t show any affection for him in public—he was my therapist. I had to remind myself of this. I should not have kissed him.
When the door opened, the face that met me wasn’t Mia’s, it was Alex’s.
“We were wondering when you’d come,” Alex said as he stepped aside to give me space.
“My mother-in-law…” I started, then tried to figure out a way to phrase it without sounding like I was whining. Pearl just wanted her family together. I knew this, logically. “She was doing her best to keep us all there for as long as possible.”
“Come on in.” Alex relieved me of the heavy shopping bags full of dessert and bottle of wine that I’d managed to totter across the yard without dropping. He stepped aside as I came into the vestibule. “It’s too cold out to have you standing on the porch.”
“No, especially if you want sweet potato pie.” My voice shook a little.
He pushed the door closed behind me.
“Hi…”
He grinned at me. “Hi.”
We stood so close to one another.
“I wasn’t sure you were coming.”
“My mother-in-law…”
“Is that Sasha?” Mia called from inside. “Hurry up, we’re all starving, and I am eating for two.”
“We’d better go inside.” Alex led the way, his neck and ears burning red. He stood aside so I could walk into the hall first. I wanted to say something to ease the awkwardness that had settled around us, but what could I say that would make things better? I didn’t mean to kiss you?
Saying those words would be a lie.
I wanted to kiss him last night.
Even now, I wanted to kiss him.
And I hoped that he wanted to kiss me.
I was never very good at large crowds. When Aidan was alive, he took up enough space with his natural gregariousness that I could step back and let him take the lead. He was the sort of man whose charisma came easy, and it was one of the things that attracted me to him. Once he was gone, suddenly I had no star, no sun to shine for me. But now, sitting around the table with Jake, Mia and my new friends, all of my misgivings about moving to Hunters Grove and being surrounded by people only Aidan really knew, faded. Beside me, Walt kept me entertained with stories of growing up here. He told a few tales about Aidan too, how the first time Aidan broke a bone was when he fell from the top of a chestnut tree in Walt’s lawn.
“Why was he in the tree?” I asked as I raised my glass of wine to my lips.
“Cheeky bastard was trying to peek at my wife’s model.”
Alex filled in the rest of the details. “My mom painted and sculpted. Sometimes she painted from memory, but she also used nude models who were students looking to make some extra money.” He laughed. “I probably mentioned it to Aidan once. That’s the only reason I can think that he would have been in that tree. From there you could see into my mom’s studio through the skylight.
“He never told me about that,” I laughed. “I think I’ve heard pretty much every naughty Aidan story, but not this one.”
After that, everyone around the table shared their own naughty Aidan story. For a little while, it felt like he was at the table with us, laughing and waiting to see which story from his childhood and teenage years would be revealed next.
The dinner plates were cleared away and dessert plates passed around the table. More stories, some bawdy tales from Mia’s teen years and Jake reminding everyone of the hijinks he got up to while in boarding school in the UK. As the desserts circulated around the table, our laughter filled every pocket of silence and kept the mood light and merry.
“I’m so glad I’m here,” I said as I helped myself to a slice of Ruth Carter’s pumpkin cheesecake.
“I can’t imagine holiday dinners are much fun at Pearl’s house,” Ruth called her from her end of the table.
“Your mother-in-law is a nightmare,” Mia groaned. “When I first moved back here, she made sure to let me know that I was a harlot.”
“Oh God, I’m so sorry…”
“Sasha, your mother-in-law is no reflection on you and you don’t need to apologize for her craziness.” Mia assured her. “I don’t know how you put up with her.”
I didn’t want to gossip about my mother-in-law. She sometimes drove me insane, but she also loved Cami and helped me—especially in the early days following Aidan’s death—when I could barely take care of Cami and myself.
“She means well.”
“Forget about Pearl.” Walt interrupted and harrumphed. “Keep sending the cake this way.”
Then he winked at me.
I whispered thanks to him. When I glanced up, Alex was watching me from the other side of the table. I held back the smile that was only for him. It would have to wait. Just like everything else I wanted just then.
I was just putting the last dishes in the dishwasher when he came into the kitchen. Everyone else had followed Jake to the study to watch the Cowboys-Eagles game or Mia to the living room for coffee and idle conversation. I’d volunteered for dishwashing duty. Even though I knew all of Mia and Jake’s guests, I was still new enough to Hunters Grove that I didn’t follow the local gossip. An unfamiliar name was mentioned and I missed why everyone seemed so astonished. And, despite all of my sessions with Alex and Abigail, there were still times when I didn’t know how to process how to react to big social gatherings. I liked them but they scared me. Every inch of my skin started to burn and itch. I’d catch a whiff of something that reminded me of the derailment and I’d have to keep reminding myself that it was all in my head, that I was okay.
A few of the guests tried to talk me out of cleaning up, but I waved them off and assured them it wouldn’t take so long.
Alex joined me after a few minutes. He rinsed the dishes while I loaded the dishwasher. We didn’t need to speak. There was an innate comfortableness between us. I think it had always been there from the time we first met at that café in Hanover.
“Are you doing okay with all these people?” Alex’s question didn’t feel unwarranted or intrusive. He didn’t raise his voice as Annabel would have done to call attention to his status as a therapist, He kept it casual and low key.
I nodded. “I’m okay. I just needed a few minutes away from everyone. That’s all.”
“Are you okay with me being here now?”
“You’re the only one I want around me right now.” I said it without thinking. A flush of heat raced through me. Yes, I wanted him here as my friend… maybe even as something more. But I hadn’t meant for it to be so obvious.
I stole a glance at him. He was smiling, his cheeks flushed and rosy.
“Last night…”
“Everything okay here?” Abigail joined us now. Her eyes were almost too bright and expectant.
“We’re fine.” I assured her. “Nearly done, actually.”
“I just wanted to see if you needed any help.” She was already looking for some reason to stay, but I didn’t want her there.
“Like I said, we’re nearly done.” As much as I loved Abigail, she was too much of a busybody. She’d invent reasons to stay unless I sent her away.
“We're done,” Alex said even though there was still some cutlery in the sink. “Just a couple of knives and forks left, so you should be okay without my clumsy help.”
“Thanks, Alex. I appreciated it.”
“No problem.” He lingered at the door, just behind Abigail. I wanted to give him some sign that we were okay...but with her there it was impossible. He shrugged and then disappeared down the hall. Abigail and I finished off the last of the cutlery without speaking until the dishwasher was ready to start.
“I didn’t interrupt something, did I?”
“No, we were just cleaning up. That’s all.”
“You’re not getting too attached to him, are you?”
“Abby, we had this discussion before and I told you everything was fine between Alex and me. Just… stop. Okay? You're making me uncomfortable with all this questioning.”
“Sorry. That’s not my intention at all. I just want to make sure everything's okay since I know he uses...unorthodox means.”
“Why would you recommend him to me if you were worried that it wouldn't be good for me?” “You know what I mean.” “Don’t worry, Abby. We haven’t crossed any lines that shouldn’t have been crossed.”
But that wasn’t really true.
A little white lie wouldn’t hurt… especially since all we’d done was kiss.
It was late by the time I decided to head home. Mia and Jake tried to convince me to stay a little longer, but I was already looking forward to scrubbing the makeup from my face and putting on my favorite pyjamas.
“You could stay in our guest room,” Mia offered as I buttoned up my coat. “We’d love to have you.”
“I’ll be fine on my own,” I assured her. “It’ll be nice to have an evening of not being Mom.”
“Okay, you win.” Mia laughed. “But you’re not going home empty-handed.”
She and Jake had already packed a shopping bag full of leftovers for me – plastic containers filled with plenty of turkey, chestnut and cornbread stuffing, mac and cheese, cranberry sauce and enough dessert to feed an army.
“If you get lonely tomorrow, come back over,” Jake said as he hugged me goodbye. “We’ve got a Christmas movie bonanza planned.”
“I might take you up on it.” I’d made progress. In these weeks of meeting Alex for sessions, I’d noticed how being touched by others, especially people I felt I could trust, no longer frightened me.
“We’re heading out too,” Alex announced. “I’ve got a couple of Cinederallas here saying it’s past their bedtime.”
“Be nice to your elders,” Horace grumbled as he searched the coat rack for his and Walter’s coats.
“I was thinking…” Alex started, then scrunched up his eyebrows and pressed his lips together.
“Yes..?” I tried to coax him along. I wasn’t in a rush, but I wanted to know what he was thinking. The air between us was still charged from last night. I could feel the energy vibrating between us, waiting to erupt.
“You and I, maybe for our next meeting, we should go for a hike.” He still wouldn’t look me in the eye.
“Isn’t it a little cold for that?”
“Yeah, I guess it is.”
“I’ll behave,” I assured him. I had to. I couldn’t kiss him again and think we could continue as though nothing happened. “I know I shouldn’t go around kissing my therapist.”
“I was off duty, so I was in friend mode.”
“Still, Abigail’s always reminding me that I need to keep the lines clear.”
“She’s probably right.” Alex finally raised his eyes to meet mine. We were still standing beside my car. Snowflakes drifted down around us. “What happened last night was…”
“I liked kissing you, Alex. I know I shouldn’t admit it, but I did.”
“I liked kissing you too. I more than liked it.”
“I know I shouldn’t ask you this…but would you come home with me?”
“I can’t, Sasha.”
“You can’t? Or you won’t?”
“You’re my client. I can’t…I’d lose my license if anyone found out.”
“Oh…okay.”
“I like you a lot, Sasha. Probably more than I should.”
“Does it need to be so complicated?” It couldn’t simply end like this, not when kissing him last night felt so right. “Isn’t there some waiver I could sign to affirm that I know what I am getting into and that you didn’t coerce me or overstep your boundaries…?”
Alex shook his head. “It doesn’t really work that way. The certifying board is pretty strict about the rules we all follow. Either you’d have to switch to a different therapist…and as far as I know the nearest therapist like me is in Brattleboro.”
“I don’t want another therapist.” I said again. “That’s the last thing I want.”
“Then we can’t…”
“No, we can’t…” But even as I agreed with him, in my heart I knew that what I wanted was to kiss him again, without any boundaries or limitations. I could still remember how his lips felt on mine and the vibration that went through both of us. I knew he wanted it too.
“So our next meeting…?”
“Maybe we should take a walk. We can meet at the studio and then I’ll show you a great place in the woods with a view.”
I nodded as I distracted myself with searching for my key fob in my bag.
“Sasha?”
“Yes?”
“It’ll get better.”
“Not if we have to pretend like there’s nothing between us.”
I didn’t get a chance to say more. From behind us, we heard others heading home, spilling out onto Mia and Jake’s front porch and calling out goodbyes.
One of the people was Abigail.
She was already striding our way, seeming unbothered by the snow.
“I thought you two had gone already,” she commented as she pressed her cheek to mine. “You’re freezing! How long have you been out here gabbing?”
“Just a few minutes.” Alex brushed fallen snow from his hair. “We were just confirming our next appointment.”
His father and uncle were the next to join us. Walt was bundled up and, thanks to Mia and Ruth, carrying a shopping bag probably full of leftovers. “Snow’s coming down pretty hard, Alex,” he announced. “And I’m ready for my pajamas.”
“Me too,” Alex agreed and took the bag from his father. “Unc, you staying over tonight or shall I take you home?”
“I’ll spend the night,” Horace said. He patted his stomach. “I need to sleep off all that turkey and pie. And oh was that pie delightful.”
